Chocolate Skittles: you never should have been born

I know you’ve seen the bag of chocolate Skittles in line at the store and had a curious thought about their taste. Would they be like M&Ms? Or closer to Reces Pieces? Or maybe something in between? Either way, you did one of two things — you purchased a bag to try them out or you shook your head in disgust and kept it moving.

I kept it moving. There is just something unholy about chocolate Skittles. I love chocolate with a passion but I could see through this desperate attempt to lure me away from my wonderful peanut butter M&Ms to the sugary sweet, coma inducing Skittles. I’ve tasted the rainbow and immediately fell into diabetic shock. But chocolate changes the game. It’s bitter and sweet and creamy all at the same time. No way could chocolate Skittles be good.

For those of you who did try them, you have my sympathies. Perhaps Michael Swaim can give voice to your outrage. He too tried and feels devastated by the results. He has a few demands for the Skittles peeps that you might second:

shittles1. Stop selling chocolate Skittles.
2. Apologize publicly.
3. Jettison all remaining chocolate Skittles—or any regular Skittles which may have been tainted through accidental contact—into space.
4. Euthanize all the diseased, caged rabbits whose shit you harvest to produce the “pudding” flavor.
5. Fire the Japanese guy in marketing who thought this was a good idea.
6. Put the entirety of your research and development budget towards inventing the technology required to make me forget there ever was such a thing.

His letter to Skittles is one of a love story gone awry. You can read it in entirety at Chocolate Skittles: Like Being Mouth Raped By Candy. That’s all.


One Response to “Chocolate Skittles: you never should have been born”

  1. Benjamin Says:

    Dear God, they really are the most foul thing ever committed to candy. I’m convinced my roommate has a brain tumor/personality disorder, because he actually liked them. Thank you for posting about this crime against the taste buds of humanity.

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